“I have
not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways
that won’t work.” Thomas A Edison
Sometimes you have to
go back to the beginning in order to be able to move forwards.
I really hate having to
do this. It feels like a failure, like
time wasted, like all that I have done so far has been pointless. This is the belief that I have acquired but,
like all beliefs, it doesn’t mean that it’s true or right, merely that this is
how I’ve chosen to view things; this is the message that I have absorbed. And now it is time to check whether it serves
a useful purpose, or whether it needs to be discarded in favour of a new
belief.
In this instance the
answer is a resounding no, it doesn’t serve any useful purpose to view going
back as a failure. It condemns me to
continue on to the bitter end with my present course of action, with my refusal
to accept the need to abandon it, thereby allowing me to start over, choose
differently, learn from the mistakes that I’ve made. Doing this allows me freedom – freedom to
choose, freedom to grow, freedom to not have to get it ‘right’. And freedom scares the shit out of me.
I have no idea why this
is, but I know that it does because I have the material evidence – why else
would I refuse to give up and start over?; why would I continue to punish
myself by continuing on with a course of action which causes me pain (whether
physical, mental, or emotional)?; why would I keep trying to live my life
according to someone else’s rules and beliefs?;
why would I persist in copying other people, looking to them to tell me
how to do everything, seeking out the ‘right’ way to do a thing?; why would I
avoid thinking for myself?
The fact is that starting
over is not a failure at all – it’s a god-given right, and one of the only ways
of learning. How else will I learn
except by first experiencing what doesn’t work (the way that Thomas Edison
beautifully describes in the above quote)?
But is it any wonder I fear this when I have placed such constraints, attached
such harsh judgements to the whole idea?
And, again, I am abetted by a society which places such high
expectations on the idea of failure and success, which rewards only those who
succeed in ways that have been determined by someone else (failure to pass
exams at school, failure to pass tests, failure to get a job, failure to come
up to someone else’s definition of what it means to be a successful, healthy,
well-balanced, popular, attractive, productive person, etc).
The only ‘failure’ is
to refuse to risk changing direction; to decide that, rather than go back, I’d
prefer to blunder on, whilst ignoring the continued chaos and damage I’m doing. Or come to a complete halt, and refuse to do
anything at all, but simply give in to the defeatist attitude of “what’s the
point?” And sure, I might need to take
some time out, to regroup, take stock, and determine a new course of action
based on what I’ve learnt, in order to avoid simply blundering off and retreading
old ground. This is called being
sensible, taking in the bigger picture – two things I’m not known for
doing. But hey, I can learn. I may be autistic, but my human ability to
change is not defunct – no matter what some people might misguidedly believe.
Starting again is part
of the experience of living, so why would I try to avoid it? Why would I constantly aim towards this
unattainable goal of perfection, the one that demands that I never get anything
‘wrong’; that I have to get it ‘right’ first time, otherwise it proves that I
am deficient in some way, and especially if I keep repeatedly making the same
mistakes (which is a talent of mine)?
According to the
spiritual truths that I profess to believe in, the world is already perfect as
it is, even in its imperfection, because that is how it was created. God never creates anything without there
being a reason for it, without it already being perfect, and S/He/It never
makes mistakes. The problem comes from
man having to then make a judgement about everything, having to define what’s
perfect and what isn’t, what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and bad,
etc.
Perfection, as I understand it from
this skewed point of view, is all about everything being flawless – like the
air-brushed pictures of models and celebrities you find in magazines. The fact that this kind of perfection can
only be achieved through unnatural means, through force of will, is actually a
sign of its imperfection. Anything which
goes against the natural flow, which seeks to distort that, is imperfect – to use
a man-made definition. It has to be – it’s
the opposite of how it was designed.
Step Three in
Alcoholics Anonymous says, “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over
to the care of God, as we understood Him.”
The relevant part here is ‘turning it over’ – which means looking at the
other side, seeing the opposite of what I believe, if what I believe in is not
working. I have believed one definition
of perfection; I have believed that making mistakes is a bad thing; I have
believed in the concept of failure. I have
believed in a man-made definition of all those things, and more. I am now choosing to turn that over and see
it from the other side – from a spiritually directed perspective, God’s will
for me, not mine.
So, in light of what I
wrote yesterday about my yoga practice having become more like a punishment
rather than a joy due to my approach to it, I have decided to go back to the
beginning, and start again – having taken stock of where I have gone ‘wrong’. It should be an interesting and, hopefully,
enlightening journey. And the journey is
what yoga is all about, not the destination – which is why I believe that I was
brought to it in the first place, because it has so much to teach me. I just have to be willing to learn, which
requires that I have to let go of the idea that I already know everything. And, based solely on the evidence of my
experience with yoga, this is patently not true. So, with that in mind, I now happily sound
the retreat.
