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| My Lady Wren |
Hi. It’s been a little while since I’ve been able to sit and focus on something longer than a Literary Inspiration post (hence three in a row!). Not that I’ve lacked ideas - just the ability to develop them beyond the initial draft. Ironically, it wasn’t even as if I could claim that it was the internet that was distracting me, because it wasn’t.
I’ve just had two weeks free from my compulsive internet trawling, using it only for essentials, like Sype. But then I seem to remember the same thing occurring the last time I stayed abstinent - I gradually felt better, my brain calmed down, my mind got clearer, and my attention and focus improved, but I got very little or no writing done. I did, however, do other things.
And it’s been the same this time. I have actually managed to paint a picture (the first since July last year). Whilst that in itself was great, the best thing about it was the fact that I enjoyed it, and there wasn’t the same amount of angst which usually accompanies it.
Whilst I have struggled to write any posts, I actually managed to write a bit of fiction, which I have done in the past, but have struggled with since.
And then there’s the fact that I have rediscovered the joy in my yoga practice, rather than it just being a necessity to my well-being, which is how I regard it (my alternative version to medication to help manage my anxiety and adhd, because I cannot take drugs due to being an alcoholic/addict). Being obsessed with the computer means that my interest in everything else falls by the wayside - which includes my beloved yoga.
So, two weeks of freedom. Again. Two weeks appears to be my sticking point, at the moment. It’s the longest I’m able to manage before I drift back to the internet. I used to have the same thing occur when I was trying to become abstinent from overeating, which I used to find frustrating and disheartening.
But I didn’t give up, and I got beyond that point when I was ready (which is usually not when you think you are), so I know that it’s just a part of the process, and not to listen to the Voice of Doom that tells me I’ll never be able to get completely free of this compulsion; or that I should accept it as part of the erratic nature of my adhd, and give up trying to manage it. Accept that I need something to take the edge off of my anxiety, adhd, and all the other stuff about being me that makes everything I feel so acute, and that this is the lesser of the evils I have used (alcohol, medication, food, television).
Except that it only works to take the edge of whilst I’m on there. And then I’m left not only with the compulsion to keep going back, but also an increase in the symptoms that I was seeking to relieve. My anxiety ramps up, I become more agitated, my focus and attention is shot to bits, and my brain feels like it’s melting. Plus, I forget who I am, because I’m absorbing other peoples’ opinions again.
And here’s the other thing: I actually do have practical ways of taking the edge off, but without the negative consequences - with faith in a higher power, prayer/meditation, yoga, the change in my diet, and the barest bones of a daily routine to keep things ticking over and manageable - but no plans!! They’re not instant, and they don’t render me unconscious (ie functioning, but not quite all here - like the walking dead, rather than someone in a coma), but they work to bring everything down to a manageable level.
So, what happened to bring that ‘golden period’ to an end (other than me forgetting, yet again, the inevitable consequences of me web-trawling?) Because there’s always a reason, as I learnt with alcohol, food, and any other addictive/compulsive behaviour - it doesn’t just happen that I find myself back trawling the internet, or with a drink in my hand, or bingeing on food. There’s a build-up which, if it isn’t being dealt with, turns into a mental and emotional tsunami.
It may be the quietest tsunami you ever saw, because I am so poor at self-awareness, and so slow to process what’s happening to me, that it mostly doesn’t look like anything is wrong at all; but you’ll know it by the end result - me seeking ‘comfort’ and distraction on the internet from the feelings of restlessness, which I don’t recognise as being related to what’s happening in my life.
Of course, this ‘comfort’ is only temporary, and not very comforting at all, given some of the stuff I sometimes inadvertently come across whilst trawling, and all that happens is that my life then becomes chaotic (more so than the manageable chaos which seems to be an intrinsic part of who I am - a trait which I have yet to accept as a fact, whilst I still strive to be Mrs Meticulously Tidy and Organised).
Here, then, are the events.
In November last year, I had to fill in an assessment form for the new disability benefit which is replacing the old one. The DWP scares me to death, and I’m hopeless at filling in forms.
In January my friend Dee (who lives in Scotland, and I haven’t seen in person for about two years) visited on two separate occasions (staying overnight each time). The second visit was in order to accompany me to the medical assessment I’d been called to attend for the new disability benefit.
Leaving aside the assessment, you’d assume that her visit would be a nice thing - and it is. Except that I’m autistic - EXTREMELY autistic, and I don’t deal well with being around people, even in my own home, even when they are my closest friends. It’s not relaxing, for either of us, as I have no idea how to behave, and I end up hovering around her.
As to the medical assessment, I haven’t had to go to one of these for quite a few years. This ramped up my anxiety about the possibility of them taking away that money.
In February they informed me that, not only had I been awarded the new benefit, but that it had been increased substantially. Yet again, you’d think this would be welcome: and it is. But that doesn’t change the fact that, whether it’s good or bad news, I’m still clueless as to how to deal with it.
Also as a consequence of both Dee’s visit and the assessment, she told me that I’m a lot further along on the autism spectrum than we thought - closer to the Temple Grandin autistic end, rather than the Asperger’s. Whilst I know that I am extremely affected, it still comes as a bit of an unwelcome surprise to be told just how much so.
Around the same time, I extended my circle of contacts from one (my friend Dee), to two. And then, in the last week, I added another. This is a big deal for me.
I have been perfectly content to only engage with one person for a long time now (in this regard, I am classically autistic, preferring my own company to that of other people because of the stress engaging with them induces. Plus, too many people offering too many differing viewpoints and opinions confuses me).
But, as she said, she is coming up to her seventieth birthday this year, and, assuming she dies before me (jolly, I know!), I have no-one else with whom to share, or for support. And whilst I may prefer my own company, and to have as few people in my life as possible, I do actually enjoy my limited interactions with her; and even I know that I need to have some people with whom to converse at a deeper level than simply to exchange polite greetings, the way I do with neighbours.
It is also my fiftieth birthday coming up which, whilst I’m not consciously aware of it causing me any conflict (mostly because I just ignore it, the way I do every birthday - it’s just a number to me), no doubt there’s something going on.
For one thing, I have found myself thinking more frequently about how I’ve got less time to do stuff, and how I wish I’d got my act together a lot sooner (particularly with regard to writing and art, but also with accepting and managing my autism/adhd). I also sometimes find myself envying those who’ve been diagnosed earlier, which is not helpful, ‘cos it just leads to me feeling regret about my life.
And then, in the last few days, I found out that one of my Aunts has died. She is the last of my dad’s six brothers and sisters, and she was the oldest. It wasn’t a shock (she was into her eighties), but, due to the distant and confusing nature of our relationship (of my relationship with the whole of my family), I have no idea how I feel, or what to do.
This culminated in me having the ridiculous idea (given that I cannot paint to order) that, rather than buy a card, I would like to paint one to send to her family (these are people I haven’t seen, or spoken to, for over twenty years). And so I came on here to look for photos of appropriate flowers. And got overwhelmed. And then got distracted. And got lost for three days. And now here I am, trying to drag myself back out of it. Well it inspired me to write, anyway, which is the ultimate irony.
So there you have it - the anatomy of an autistic meltdown.
I hope that the only things melting in your life are food-related.
Śanti
