You may have noticed that I like quoting other people in my blog. More often than not, I’ll stick a quote, or two, at the top of the page, and away I go. Sometimes I use it as the starting point, the source of inspiration for what I write: other times it’s like an affirmation of the point I’ve been trying to make.
Until now I’ve not given much thought to why I do it: I’ve just assumed it’s a good thing, to be able to memorise and then recite things that I’ve read. I’ve seen it as a sign of intelligence, good memory, and learning. And I’ve always admired people who can do it; been in awe of those able to spout forth the words of wisdom of others. Of course, this idea kind of gets blown out of the water when you consider that you can teach a parrot to quote.
Now, I’m not saying that quoting is a bad thing, though only being able to parrot words that you’ve learnt is not really very helpful; being able to use quotes in the right context, understanding what the author meant by them, is a step up. But, as I’ve recently realised, for me there’s something else going on as well when I use them.
It’s as if my own words are not enough, like I don’t believe that they carry any weight compared to other peoples’, even if it happens that I am speaking from experience, and they are simply imparting academic knowledge (an example being that of autism, and the precedence I give to the words of those non-autistic ‘professionals’ and ‘experts’ in the field. If my experience doesn’t match up with what they say, then I discount my experience - or I try to bend it to fit into the autistic-shaped hole that they’ve carved out).
It wouldn’t be so bad if I confined my use of them to my blog. But the fact is that I liberally pepper my speech with other peoples’ words, in preference to coming up with something original of my own. I reference things I’ve read, usually with the words, “It’s like (insert name here) says in (insert name of book or other source material here) …”, which I’ve now become aware produces the unfortunate result of isolating me from myself, and keeping everything in a state of abstraction - i.e. it all stays in my head, and never touches my heart. I end up building a life for myself based on my dodgy understanding of someone else’s beliefs (and not just one, but lots of someone else’s). So it’s yet another bloody form of copying - I just can’t seem to get away from wanting to follow the herd!
And it isn’t as if I can’t think for myself - this whole blog is a testament to the fact that I have plenty of my own opinions and words to share. I just seem to be filled with such a level of self-doubt that I feel the need to have to refer back to someone else’s interpretation, or experience, rather than trusting my own, and utilising my own words. I constantly question my own judgement and understanding; and, believing that it’s not quite enough, not quite right, seek to validate it - hence the ubiquitous quotes.
So, in an attempt to divest myself of this habit/trait, I have put aside for the next three months some of the books which I reference frequently, and which are responsible for colouring and shaping a great many of my beliefs and opinions. Hopefully, not having them to re-read (which reinforces and concretises them in my mind) will lead to me thinking more for myself, and coming up with original ideas, rather than simply dipping into the bottomless pit of my memory. I think it’s time to give that area of my brain a rest - it’s been shockingly overused, while the rest is in a state of semi-retirement.
No wonder it takes me so long to get going with writing or art - my brain is fast asleep, and has to be resuscitated first.
